Are you friggin kidding me?

Dwight Howard got robbed by MJ on this dunk. That was fierce!

Pro-Line Prognostication Putridity -- Vol. 2

Wow... I knew I was bad at this... but I didnt know how bad... sadly, now I do. After coming within 1pt of winning last week, I completely bombed this week. I Hiroshima'd...

It's official, I am the worst sports better on planet Earth. That is not an exaggeration. I wish I were kidding...

If you dont believe me, read on...

Ticket #1: ProLine
Arz @ Atl : Arz to win
Dal @ Ten : Ten to win
Mia @ Hou : Hou to win
Cle @ Oak : Oak to win
Sea @ Chi : Sea to win
Bet: $2
Potential Prize: $1138.02
Recap: Ok, this ticket was a joke anyway... I took all wild underdogs just on a whim. And you know what? I got every game wrong, even the Houston win was wrong because it was only by 2pts (which in ProLine is a tie). 0-5, nice. Almost as bad as Daunte Culpepper's stats. But I did learn a few things from this ticket: Tennessee, Miami and Oakland are THAT bad, and Chicago is THAT good. I vow to never make these mistakes again -- until next week.

Ticket #2: ProLine
SD @ Bal : SD to win
Det @ STL : STL to win
NE @ Cin : Cin to win
Min @ Buf : Buf to win
Bet: $3
Potential Prize: $31.98
Recap: Brutal. I was positive that SD was going to beat Baltimore... heck I had spouted off about that game all week at work. Same with Cincy. I guess I can chalk this one up to the fact that these games were damn near impossible to call. Or at least that is what I am telling myself.

Ticket #3: Point Spread
Arz @ Atl -7.5 : Arz
Dal -9.5 @ Ten : Ten
Mia -4.5 @ Hou : Hou
NWO @ Car -7.5 : Car
SD -2.5 @ Bal : SD
Jax -3.5 @ Was : Jax
Cle -2.5 @ Oak : Oak
NE @ Cin -6.5 : Cin
Ind -9.5 @ NYJ : Ind
Sea @ Chi -3.5 : Sea
Det @ STL -5.5 : Stl
SF @ KC -7.5 : SF
Bet: $3
Potential Prize: $1500.00
Recap: Ok, this is so bad its almost funny. 2 out of 12 right? Jeezus, I should earn something just for being this bad! In all seriousness, I am going to play a George Costanza ticket next week. Whatever way I am leaning, I'm going the opposite... because it really cant get any worse than this... and that's saying something.

Let's bring out the ladies to find out our running totals for 2006:
Total Bet: $16.00
Total Won: $0.00
Total Potential Winnings: $4708.54

This may seem bad right now... but wait until week 10 or so when the totals are 10 times this much... wow...

By the way, feel free to laugh at my expense here, because I really do deserve it. I mean, seriously? Why do I even bother buying these tickets?

For your enjoyment... thats why...

... dont say I never did anything for you...

Pro-Line Prognostication Putridity -- Vol. 1

The NFL season is in full swing... and after three weeks of betting on NFL games, it has become glaringly obvious that I am terrible at betting on NFL games. In all the years of betting on NFL games, I have won exactly one time. And that ticket was worth a whopping $9.34 . So, after losing again this week, I thought that it would be good for me to post my bets and results here on this blog... for no other reason than it will help me to cope. Each week I will post my tickets, my bets and my potential winnings... and as the season goes, I will keep running totals of how much money I have wasted at Pro-Line and how much I have missed out on.

I'm so bad its funny, and that is why I am posting it here...

So, without further rambling, I present to you The Captain's Pro-Line Prognostication Putridity -- Vol.1:

Ticket #1 : ProLine
CHI @ MIN : CHI to win
JAX @ IND : IND to win
BAL @ CLE : Tie game
NYG @ SEA : SEA to win
ATL @ NWO : NWO to win
Bet: $3
Potential prize: $179.22

Recap: Ok, so I didnt do too terribly bad on this ticket. The CHI/MIN game burnt my chances because that one was classed as a tie. But this post was made prior to the ATL/NWO game - so we'll see how that one plays out before I make final judgement. If NWO pulls off a win tonight, I am sending the Bears a bill for $179.22, because they officially cost me that much by not winning by more than 3 points. Effin Bears.

Ticket #2 : ProLine
TEN @ MIA : Ten to win
GB @ DET : GB to win
CIN @ PIT : CIN to win
WSH @ HOU : HOU to win
Bet: $2
Potential prize: $359.32

Recap: Wow. This ticket gets filed under the "going for the odds" file, where I was looking for a big payday off of my $2 bet. Tenessee and Houston to win? Seriously? Man, I need a common sense advisor to come with me on Sunday mornings to give me a tap on the shoulder and a "uh uh" when I hover my pencil over picks like those... friggin idiot. Good calls on the IND and GB games though.

Ticket #3 : Point Spread
Car -3.5 @ TB : CAR
CHI -3.5 @ MIN : CHI
CIN @ PIT -2.5 : CIN
GB @ DET -6.5 : GB
JAX @ IND -6.5 : IND
NYJ @ BUF -5.5 : NYJ
TEN @ MIA -10.5 : TEN
WSH -3.5 @ HOU : HOU
BAL -6.5 @ CLE : CLE
NYG @ SEA -3.5 : SEA
PHI -6.5 @ SF : SF
STL @ ARZ -4.5 : ARZ
Bet: $3
Potential prize: $1500.00

Recap: Well, I didnt do too bad here, but I still crapped the bed. When playing Point Spread, you can still win with 10 or 11 correct, but my ticket was cooked by the time the CAR/TB and CHI/MIN games were done. Damn! And what was with pickign HOU again on this ticket? Idiot. Also, picking SF was clearly done with my heart - as I am a die-hard Niner fan. All in all, one fact remains - I suck at this.

2006 Totals:
Bets: $8
Potential Winnings not won: $2038.54

Alright - I'm off to a roaring start here. All I can say is that - I'll be back again next week... and that the law of averages says that I HAVE to win one of these times...

PS - Thank God I dont bet much more than 2 or 3 bucks per ticket...

PPS - If anyone has any advice for a struggling idiot like myself - feel free to email me or leave a comment... I'll take any and all advice... seriously...

Until Next Week...

Fantasy Draft 2006...

Ok, I realize that everyone else and their dog posts about fantasy football right now, but seriously, I dont care... this is a good space for me to vent over my stupid picks and idiotic moves on draft night...

First off, draft night is the best... I mean, it's 10 guys sitting around a table, drinking beer, eating wings and other such artery clogging items, talking football and busting each other's chops. It's hysterical... and I wish it happened more often...

So, my league is a keeper league -- for those of you who dont know what that means, well, a keeper league is one that allows you to protect X amount of players from your previous year's roster, thusly, keeping them on your team. So going into the draft, all the best players are already gone, the only thing left are rookies, veteran guys worth drafting but not worth protecting, and sleeper picks that will hopefully have a big year coming out of nowhere.

Last year, thanks to some injuries (I had Marc Bulger, Darrell Jackson and Priest Holmes get injured on my team) and thanks to Terrell Owens' stupid antics (getting booted from the Eagles and not playing the 2nd half of the year), my team tanked... I wasnt going to get near the top three - which earn money in this league, so I decided to strip my roster and try to get draft picks and position myself for a rebuilding year. So, after it was all said and done, I finished in last place -- which earned me the 1st overall pick in this years draft.

Heading into the draft, I really needed to get a QB -- so I dangled the 1st overall pick and eventually traded it, along with Terrell Owens and Jake Delhomme to another guy for Daunte Culpepper, Javon Walker and his 6th overall pick. I am happy with that move, even though both guys I traded for are coming off knee injuries and I gave up the chance to draft Reggie Bush (remember, keeper league). That being said, I got ready for the draft, and the season, fully aware that I probably am not going to compete for the money this year...

am I ok with that? sure...

Anyway, here is how my roster looked heading into the draft:

QB Culpepper
RB Edgerrin James, Willis McGahee
WR Javon Walker, Darrell Jackson, Joe Horn, Lee Evans
K Shayne Graham

So obviously, I need some help at every position, and here is how the draft went down:

These are all the picks for the first three rounds...

Round 1
DisTillers - Reggie Bush RB NO
Kodiacers - Chester Taylor RB MIN
Fightin Tunas - Frank Gore RB SF
Darth Raiders - Joseph Addai RB IND
Men Against Speedos - Wali Lundy RB HOU
Dorothy Mantooth was a Saint - DeAngelo Williams RB CAR
Gradiators - Heath Miller TE PIT (a TE this early?)
More Cowbell - Lawrence Maroney RB NE
Southern Discomfort - Mike Bell RB DEN
Crown Royal Norsemen - Derrick Mason WR BAL
Duffsuckers - Matt Leinary QB ARI

Round 2
More Cowbell - Kevan Barlow RB NYJ (not so sure about this one yet)
Duffsuckers - LenDale White RB TEN
Fightin Tunas - Laverneous Coles WR NYJ (and his tortured childhood)
Darth Raiders - Michael Vick QB ATL (maybe one year he'll turn out to be a QB)
Men Against Speedos (MAS) - Nate Burleson WR SEA
DisTillers - Baltimore DEF
Gradiators - Dominic Rhodes RB IND
Kodiacers - Ron Dayne RB HOU (wild mockery ensued)
Southern Discomfort - Ernest Wiliford WR JAX
Crown Royal Norsemen - Keith Bulluck LB TEN
D Mantooth Saints - Byron Leftwich QB JAX

Round 3
Cowbell - Philip Rivers QB SD
Duffsuckers - Reggie Brown WR PHI
Tunas - Ray Lewis LB BAL
Raiders - Matt Jones WR JAX
MAS - Chris Simms QB TB
DisTillers - Vince Young QB TEN
Kodiacers - Mushin Muhmmamad WR CHI
Southern Discomfort - Vernon Davis TE SF (grr - my next pick!)
CR Norsemen - Ronde Barber DB TB
D Mantooth Saints - Eddie Kennison WR KC

I'll spare you the rest of the rounds, and just tell you that the rest of my picks went like this:

Alge Crumpler TE ATL
Cincinnati DEF
Eric Coleman DB NYJ
Julius Peppers DL CAR
Kevin Curtis WR STL
Julian Peterson LB SEA (yes - another guy coming off a knee injury)
Brandon Jacobs RB NYG
Jerametruis Butler DB STL
Ken Lucas DB CAR
Robert Ferguson WR GB
Aaron Rodgers QB GB (Brett Favre cant go on forever)
Arnaz Battle WR SF (everyone had to take a home team pick in the 15th rd)

So that's it... that's my fantasy team... I'm hoping that Culpepper regains form, same goes for Walker and that Edge and McGahee will find the endzone more often than last year...

Of course, none of this will happen probably, and I'll be stuck in the basement again... but who knows, stranger things have happened...

Until Next Time...

This is our year!

"You know they're not going to lose 162 consecutive games."
~ Harry Caray

The above quote struck a cord with me, for no other reason that my local sporting world is fraught with that kind of blind optimism and saccharine hope these days... and I love it.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a huge sports fan... a fan of all things sporting. However, I live in an anti-metropolis called Regina, and the only professional sports team we have here are the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Now dont get me wrong, I love the Riders. I'm a season ticket holder. I've got one of those ultra-original Riders logo license plates for my baby-totin, grocery-gettin Honda CR-V. I have numerous Riders hats. I rock the green and white gear. I now even have my first Rider jersey -- sans # because I cant think of a cool one to put on the back.

Bottom line? I dig the Riders... for no other reason that they are all I've got. And for a self-professing sports junkie, I pour all my fanantical energies into this team. Having only one pro team within 800kms, I should hope that would be the case for not only this junkie - but countless others within my area code.

Anyway - back to my original point here. The optimism. The hope. The cheery cheerfulness of a team not yet beset by injuries, a team with nary a pencil shaving in the L column. It's enchanting almost, in its effectual contagiousness. You cant help but get caught up in this fast moving rapids of Green and White hopefulness.

Let me just recap the Riders' offseason thus far, as it can be clearly defined in 4 stages (included are the general comments that could be heard during each stage):

Stage 1 - The Aftermath
After losing a tough playoff game to the much-maligned Alouettes, there was much upheaval in Riderville. Down with Marcel Bellfakdsjjseicfefuille for his putrid playcalling! Down with Danny Barrett and Roy Shivers for not bringing in talent and letting Burris get away! Down with Paul McCallum! If the Riders werent distracted by the Trevis Smith situation, they would have won! Down with Marcus Crandell/the receiving corps! Down with Nealon Green!

Stage 2 - The Threatening Winds of Change
After the playoff loss shifted to the back burner, the attentions quickly turned to the status of Danny and Roy. Are they coming back? Are they gonna get fired? We'll be screwed without them! Fire them! I love Danny! I hate Roy's dreadloks! They better keep them or I'm boycotting! They're gonna stay? Woo hoo! They better get a QB! Down with Nealon!

Stage 3 - The Nothing
Like dead air on Lite92 after another of Greg Morgan's nasally, lame jokes, we didnt see much happen on the Rider front. Thurmon left for Cowtown and took Spencer (for Hire) with him. Why arent Roy and Danny doing anything? Marcel is gone? Woo hoo! We need a QB. We are trying to trade for Kerry Joseph? Let's do it, he's awesome! No dont do it, he's too expensive and injury prone! Joseph resigned with Ottawa? Terrible, why didnt Roy and Danny work harder to get him? Down with Nealon!

Stage 4 - The Holy Shit Stage
When the 'Gades folded and the dispersal draft was looming, many thought the Riders would sit on their hands and see who fell to them at #3. I mean, the Riders never make big trades. Holy shit they just traded Corey Holmes to Hamilton for their 1st pick in the 'spersal draft! Holy shit they traded Corey Holmes, our best player! They gave up too much! Holy shit we got Kerry Joseph! Holy shit we got Kerry Joseph and Jason Armstead! Down with Nealon! He got traded? Holy SHIT!

This now leads us into our current stage, as outlined above.

Stage 5 - This is our year!
TBD

However, amongst all this mania, this sportsfan has managed to keep his head. I have managed to remain calm during this storm.

I realize that these are significant changes for the Riders and I realize that change is not an obstacle easily overcome.

Of course there is the whole stigma of the Riders being the CFL's version of the Boston Red Sox that is looming like a thunderstorm.

Lastly we have karma. Karma is an cruel, evil, and unforgiving temptress - and I am not going to goad her or her mighty wrath with crazy talk of a ~whispers~ above .500 season!

Do I have high hopes for the Riders? Absolutely. But am I drunk with lunacy over the prospects of, dare I say it, a HOME PLAYOFF GAME? Not quite.

While I am hesitant to lay this down in print, I will say that the Riders should be able to compete for the top of the division, but it will not ruin my year if they do not finish at 12-6.

My expectations are relatively mediocre for the year, and if the Riders surpass them, I will be ecstatic. If they dont, hey -- there's always next year.

See you all at the game(s), I'll be the one painted green from top to tail praying to the football Gods to give my team a break and make 06-07 -- "Our Year"...

...as you were...

Tangible video evidence!

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven. "
~Jean Chretien


(**Note -- I have no idea what the quote means. I just thought it was funny -- and it sort of fits the theme of this post.**)

Okay people... recall my post on my lack of hockey skills? Well, as it turns out, I may have been a little too hard on myself. I am not as bad as I once thought.

Does this mean I am good?

Nope. Not at all. Let's not get crazy.

It just means that I'm not that bad... if that makes any sense.

Well, just to ensure that people know I am not simply stating my case without, as Chretien would say, "a proven proof", feel free to view a short video of yours truly, shot at our last hockey game. (I am the tall dude in the red shirt and blue bucket hat -- who needs helmets!?!)

Here's the link:

http://www.putfile.com/captainzimmy (Just click on the file "Zimmy On Ice" and enjoy!)

Now, for those of you who do surf your way to that site, also feel free to view the other video file on that page (titled Carey On Ice), as it is a short video of my good buddy Carey, as he effortlessly glides around the ice at our first hockey game (a couple years ago). To his credit, he has improved greatly since that last game, but nothing will ever top the comedy of that one time. Notice how he burns his ankles the whole time and is wearing his cup outside his sweats... priceless!

Anyway, that's all for today... I'll check back later...

Oh yeah, before I go... for those of you who view the video of me on the ice, pay no attention to the fact that I was supposed to be playing defense. I mean, in the end, when I rush in with the puck and try to centre it, pay no attention to the fact that I gave up a 2 on zero when the other team stole my centering pass... just completely disregard it, okay? (like I said, I'm not good, I'm just not that bad...)

and thanks to Putfile.com for their free hosting! (Plug alert!)

later...

Hockey... a foreign sport to a Canadian?

"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept. "
~Doug Larson


Hockey. Ice Hockey.

The elegantly brutal sport that every self-respecting Canadian lives and breathes for.

It may not be our national sport, but its our national passion.

So why, why do I not know how to play it? I mean, I am an athletic young Canadian man who played every sport when I was younger. When it came to organized sports, I played football, baseball, basketball, volleyball, track. But I never played hockey. Now, dont get me wrong, I know how to skate, and, I have to admit, that I actually know how to play hockey (object : put puck in goal), but am I good at it?

Nope.

Am I remotely skilled at it?

Nope.

Am I okay with that?

Nope.

It kills me that I never played hockey as a kid. While I am sure that at the time I would have cursed all those early morning prior to school practices, I still wish I would have played. I guess I can blame my parents for that... as they never let me go into hockey. They told me it was due to having athsma as a child, when actually, I think it was because hockey equipment and fees cost so frigging much.

So I guess I blame them for not putting me into hockey, but I dont blame them for their reasons. Money doesnt grow on trees you know. Well, not directly anyway.

Regardless of where I place the blame, it still kills me that I suck so bad at the only truly Canadian sport. I mean, what kind of Canuck am I? Me not being able to play hockey is like a Chinese kid not being able to play ping pong, or a French kid not being able to hold their liquor at the age of 10.

And yes, I realize the gross cultural generalization I just put put there, but I think its necessary to prove my point. I mean, a Canadian that cant play hockey? Preposterous. (I honestly dont think I have ever typed that word in my life... )

Now, in my own defense, I have to say that I am not totally inept on skates. Only partially.

Put me out there with other people who never played organized hockey in their entire lives, and I might look okay. Hell, I might even look like I know what I'm doing.

But put me out there with guys who have played hockey in their lives? Christ, I look like I belong in the Special Olympics. (no offence to those who actually compete in the S.O. -- more power to you!)

Maybe I do.

So, the point to all this, is that my workmates and I have organized a rec hockey game to take place next Friday night (yes, one night before the next big poker game, and no, I havent forgotten that I have vowed to win)... and while this game will be another chance for me to display my ineptitude on ice, I still think it should be fun.

Fun I say because it turns out that there are more like me than I realized. In fact, it turns out that only a handful of the people coming out to this game actually play or played hockey, while the rest of us Information Technology nerds didnt.

There is a legitimate chance that there might be someone as bad or worse than me out there... so, in the immortal words of Carl Spackler -- "So I guess I got that goin' for me..."

I'll let you all know how it goes... I'm sure it will be a story worth telling...

Until Next Time...