The Mighty Mustache

"A man without a moustache is a man without a soul"
~ Confucius

You know what I like? Mustaches. Anyway you shape em, mustaches are cool. Often times referred to as a stache, they are the pinnacle of macho male grooming.

(**ATTENTION** Female mustaches are NOT cool. They are disgusting and anyone who says otherwise is not welcome here. Mind your business people. I am not in the mood...)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Mighty Mustache. I think the stache needs to come back, in a big way. Its been too long since a leading man in Hollywood rocked a full on stachio. Hell, who cares about them phonies in Hollywood, let's bring em back ourselves... I say we should bring the stache back into the fold of coolness, and not just indie-coolness... I'm talkin mainstream coolness... I'm talking Old Navy mainstream coolness that will get today's adolescent men to start sporting a stache from day 1.

In case anyone is curious about the stache but isnt sure what style to roll with, let's just break down (in no particular order) the top types of the stache, shall we?

- The Conventional Dad Stache
This is your run of the mill, neatly trimmed, edge of the lip but no further stache. You can see these everywhere, and while they are cool because they are a stache, I would have to say that this style is tough to pull off an make it look cool... unless your a Dad... or PGA Tour star Corey Pavin, circa 1996.


- The Bushy Stache
Here is another that is a tough one to pull off, unless your at Oktoberfest or your name is Wilford Brimley. This one is usually full and completely covers the top (and sometimes bottom) lip. Normally, the Bushy Stache doesnt reach much further than the edges of the top lip, as once it does, it loses that Bushy feel and leans more toward Handlebar.


- The Rollie Fingers
This stache is a fierce one that takes uber-dedication to the world of staches to pull off. I mean, if your buying wax and/or other product just for your mustache, you my friend, are fierce. This stache is distinct in its style where you grow the sides fairly long and take the time and effort to twirl and curl those sides into their signature shape.


- The Porn Stache
Johnny Wadd originated this one, and it has honestly taken on many different shapes and sizes in its day. Be advised though, just because a man who is "acting" in a porn film has a mustache, it doesnt mean he is rockin the Porn Stache. They are a completely different beast. The Porn Stache is often wispy and unkempt, sometimes too long in certain areas and too short in another. You can often see the skin of the upper lip through the regions of the Porn Stache, but not too much, because if you could, then it would be approaching the Cheesy or the Korean Stache.



- The Cheesy Stache
See any 12 or 13 year old boy who has yet to shave his mustache. Often confused for dirt, the Cheesy Stache is one that can not be grown or displayed. Ever. If your stache is Cheesy, then shave it. I am sorry for you, but you and your Cheesy Stache will not be permitted entry into this club of proud stachers.


- The Korean Stache
If you were to draw a cartoon or a caricature of an Asian man and you filled in his mustached with 7 or 8 generously spaced vertical lines, then you have the definition of the Korean Stache. (**This is not meant to be a slur or a put down of any kind, it is simply an observation of mine with a gross generalization for a title.) Often coupled with the Cheesy Stache in modern use.


- The Fu-Manchu
This long wispy stache is one that can be seen in almost every Kung Fu or Martial Arts flick. This is a stache that boasts sides so long that they hang down well below the face. This stache is best left to those aforemtentioned movies.

- The Two-Part Stache
Any mustache that is separated in the middle of the upper-lip by a distinct parting of the hair thanks to a bald patch. This title is often couple with other types of stache - for example, "He's rollin with a Two-Part Rollie Fingers!"


- The Magnum
This one was made famous by Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I., and it is one that is as famous as it gets. There is no doubt in my mind that Magnum would not have been a hit show at all had Tom Selleck been bare-lipped. This famous Stache is one that really needs no description, as everyone should know it by mere mention of the name. However, for those of you who dont, its part Dad-Stache and part Bushy, but it extends past the reaches of the mouth corners. Recently, Jason Lee and his character on the show "My Name is Earl" have brought back the Magnum a little, and while it isnt in the same league as Selleck's beauty, it does fit the style mold. Please note... this stache is unrivalled in its awesomeness.


- The Handlebar
Coming in a close 2nd to the Magnum is the Handlebar, and this is one that is my personal favorite (see my blogger profile pic for proof). Hulk Hogan made this one his own, and in his hey-day, you could say that his blonde Handlebar was as much his signature as his whole shirt-ripping routine, or his use of the words "Brother" or "Vitamins". The Handlebar is aptly named, as this stache is one that extends down the sides of the mouth, stopping just before the ridge of the chin or in any area reasonably close to that.



- The Paul Teutul
This is a variation of the Handlebar, where the sides of the stache extend on below the chin as far as the hair will grow. This is an extremely difficult stache to grow and maintain, so I recommend that unless your name is Paul Teutel, you leave this one alone.



- The Milk Mustache
Not really a mustache at all, but Gisele Bundchen is friggin hot.

I think I have covered them all, but I'm not entirely sure, as I am sure that many people out there have seen staches in all other shapes and sizes. If you think I have missed one or would care to argue about my categories, feel free to email me at chriszimmer@sasktel.net or leave a comment.

Now, to wrap this rambling up, I just have to say that it takes a special kind of man to grow a stache, as not everyone can pull it off. You need a certain amount of moxie to rock a stache, you need the right mix of self-confidence with a sense of self-effacing humor. Its tough to do, and that is why the list of famous stachers is so short.

If you do decide to join me in bringing back the stache, then consider yourself warned on the trials and tribulations of the stache.

Rock on good soldiers... Rock on...

Until Next Time...