The wild bachelor weekend of a married father of 1...

"I'm going to Calgary to visit my brother and his fianceé on March 9th, and I think I will take Paige with me while she still flies for free."

Such a sentence sends a chill down the spine of any married man. Not a chill of fear mind you, a chill of excitement. A weekend at home with no wife and no kid(s)? Gentlemen, get your beer faces on, its time to throw down.

The word bachelor does not apply to me anymore, you see, I have been married for almost 5 years and my wife and I have a daughter who turns 2 at the end of March. The only time I utter the word bachelor, is when we are reliving past glories of bachelor parties come and gone.

(*note - The term "bach'n it", or "batchin" is not to be used. At all. I dont even understand it.)

So, when my wife laid out her travel plans, I considered my options. Since Lisa and Paige's flight was leaving Friday at 10pm, I still had Friday night to consider. Saturday was not going to be an option because I was slated to work some overtime, which started a 6. I also had a playoff basketball game in my men's league on Sunday at 10:30am, so the responsible adult in me had resigned myself to an early Saturday night after finishing work.

Ever heard the term, "When the cat is away, the mice will play"? I know, I know. It is standard 1950s drivel that has managed to entrench itself into pop culture vernacular to this very day. Well, some men take that phrase and run with it the second they are in bachelor mode.

Me? Not so much. I mean, I had planned on going out and having some drinks, but never once did a trip to a local night club cross my mind. Am I getting old? Maybe. But here is the thing, I have done the bar scene. Repeatedly. The bar scene is Paris Hilton, and I am every 20 something male living in Los Angeles. Been there. Done it. It is a sad and tired exercise of leering, yelling and groping all wrapped up in the stench of beer breath and cigarettes. I have no interest in flocking to a crappy warehouse converted into a bass pumping, light flashing shithole just to say that I was reliving my single days.

On the other hand, its not like I was looking to head to some smarmy coffee house and sit quietly while some phoney douchebag in a dashiki and a DC cap reads passages of shitty poetry where he rhymes "Helen of Troy" with "Fall Out Boy".

I was just planning on socializing with friends, and if the opportunity presented itself, getting pissed and sleeping in the next day.

Rather than banter on about what I had planned on doing, let me just chronicle what I actually did do on my wild bachelor weekend. If anyone who reads this wishes to live vicariously through my wild and crazy actions, then feel free.

Friday, March 9th.
4:00pm - Plans are made to meet my Dodgeball team at the Tap for drinks after our game (which is at 9 and I am missing). Sounds fun. I like the Tap.

4:15pm - Oh man, work is cancelled for Saturday night. Looks like I have another night free. But remember, I still have that playoff game on Sunday morning.

5:12 - Arrive home with Paige after picking her up from the sitter. Lisa is still at work, she gets home at 7pm. Her flight leaves at 10pm.

5:15 - Leave the house en route to Shopper's, because I forgot to pick up some Children's Gravol for Paige, as Lisa had asked me to do only 10 minutes before - I'm terrible at remembering stuff like that.

6:00 - Paige has had supper and is playing. We are waiting for Lisa to get home.

7:45 - Lisa's parents arrive for a visit to say so long to Paige and Lisa

9:15 - Lisa makes a sudden realization that she should be at the airport earlier than 9:40ish because she is going to have to check Paige's car-seat in.

9:25 - Arrive at airport. Luggage is checked in and they are about to head to security.

9:27 - I kiss them both goodbye and they are walking down the aisle to airport security. Paige stops halfway and looks back to me. "Daddy? C'mon." She says. My heart is broken. Lisa takes Paige's hand and tells her that Daddy is staying at home and that just Paige and Mommy are going on holidays. As they walk toward security Paige looks over her shoulder twice more. I can see that she is saying "Daddy?" but I cant hear it. Wow, I never thought I would be so sad to be a bachelor for a weekend. We're off to a roaring start.

10:15 - At the Tap with my Dodgeball team. A tall glass of beer is in front of me. I'm having a good time but the image of Paige looking back at me and asking for me is burned into my heart and mind for the rest of my life.

11:27 - Dammit. Broke the seal.

11:50 - A few beers in and arguing the merits of Shawn Bradley's NBA career with a buddy. Good times.

12:15am - Lisa calls, their flight was good and all is well. I'm glad to hear they landed safe and are settling in, meanwhile, I order another beer.

12:59am - Last call anyone?

1:50pm - The lights just came on. It has been a long time since I have been in a bar/pub and the lights came on.

2:15 - Arrive home. Throw jacket on the floor, leave a trail of clothes on the way to the bedroom and crash. Holy shit, I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Saturday, March 10th
7:14am - Wake up. Stupid internal clock. Roll over.

9:44am - Wake up again. Realize that it is 9:44 and relish this rare chance to sleep in. Even go so far as to put my hands behind my head and smile. Ahhh...

10:04 - Lisa and Paige call. They let me know what they have planned for the day, etc.

10:58 - I am showered, dressed and leaving the house. Headed out to run some errands, maybe do some shopping.

12:55pm - New shoes purchased, as well as various other tasks completed. Arriving home.

1:15 - Eat something, now its time for NHL07, NBA Live 07 and Tiger Woods 07 on the Xbox.

3:00 - Organize poker game at my house for Saturday night. First hand at 8:30.

4:30 - Still playing Xbox.

5:04 - Leave house to go get some ice, chips, beer and other stuff for the poker game.

7:30 - Guys arrive. Its a small crew, but that increases my odds of winning - or at least shortens my wait when I bust out of the game.

7:40 - Curse at how much we all hate the Toronto Maple Leafs - who we are watching on my 42" plasma. HD is nice, but man those Leafs are terrible.

7:50 - Borat makes his first appearance in our conversation.

7:53 - I start playing the Borat movie, so we could show a couple guys the choice scenes.

8:30 - First hand of poker dealt

10:50 - I win. I'll spare you a boring poker tale of how I came back from a 5 to 1 chip count disadvantage.

11:05 - Game 2 starts.

1:15am - I'm out. Two guys left. The rest of the guys are starting to leave as well.

2:07 - Game is over, guys are just leaving. I contemplate cleaning up. Playoff basketball game in little more that 8 hours.

Sunday, March 11th
8:21am - Alarm. Snooze.

8:30 - Alarm. Get up. Start coffee maker. Get in shower.

9:05 - Showered and I have my basketball stuff all ready to go.

9:10 - Insert "Ultimate Jordan" DVD, cue up scenes from the 92 NBA Finals where Jordan hit 6 three pointers and scored something like 35pts - in the first HALF. I have it cranked so loud that I dont hear the phone ring.

9:45 - Realize I missed Lisa's call. Call her back and she and Paige wish me luck in my game. Head out.

10:04 - Arrive at hoops game, head feeling a little thick from last night, but the Gatorade is helping.

12:05pm - Headed home after game. We friggin lost. Brutal way to end season. Piss-ant referee did his best to shape the outcome of the game. Cant stand that little prick. I played well, even considering my wild and crazy bachelor ways.

1:30 - More Xbox.

1:45 - Make plans with a buddy to go see "300" at 3:45

3:30 - At movie theater. Looking forward to seeing this flick.

6:17 - Get home. Movie was good. It was Gladiator meets Sin City. Really entertaining. Consider calling some friends to go out for something to eat.

6:18 - Reconsider. Eat.

6:50 - Throw in a movie. "Star Wars" or "Empire Strikes Back"? Star Wars it is.

9:03 - Talk to Lisa and Paige.

9:15 - Consider throwing in another movie.

9:16 - Reconsider. Watch 30 Rock, the Office and then an NBA game.

11:35 - Headed to bed. Work tomorrow.

***
And thats it. You see, my weekend started off with the intention of being a wild and crazy bachelor weekend. But it turned out to be a weekend alone with a few sprinklings of bachelor activity. To be honest, I was quite bored most of the time. I missed hanging out with my wife and daughter and was looking forward to them coming home.

Wow. Man has my life changed. Only a few short years ago, any weekend without my wife would have had a time line that looked like this:

Friday
9:30 - Wife is gone.

9:58 - Drunk.

Hey, I'm not saying I didnt have fun this weekend. Friday night was awesome, Saturday was too. The movie on Sunday was great. I had a good weekend. I just wasnt as shit my pants drunk as I have been in the past. I guess creeping up on 30 does that to a guy.

The Mighty Mustache

"A man without a moustache is a man without a soul"
~ Confucius

You know what I like? Mustaches. Anyway you shape em, mustaches are cool. Often times referred to as a stache, they are the pinnacle of macho male grooming.

(**ATTENTION** Female mustaches are NOT cool. They are disgusting and anyone who says otherwise is not welcome here. Mind your business people. I am not in the mood...)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the Mighty Mustache. I think the stache needs to come back, in a big way. Its been too long since a leading man in Hollywood rocked a full on stachio. Hell, who cares about them phonies in Hollywood, let's bring em back ourselves... I say we should bring the stache back into the fold of coolness, and not just indie-coolness... I'm talkin mainstream coolness... I'm talking Old Navy mainstream coolness that will get today's adolescent men to start sporting a stache from day 1.

In case anyone is curious about the stache but isnt sure what style to roll with, let's just break down (in no particular order) the top types of the stache, shall we?

- The Conventional Dad Stache
This is your run of the mill, neatly trimmed, edge of the lip but no further stache. You can see these everywhere, and while they are cool because they are a stache, I would have to say that this style is tough to pull off an make it look cool... unless your a Dad... or PGA Tour star Corey Pavin, circa 1996.


- The Bushy Stache
Here is another that is a tough one to pull off, unless your at Oktoberfest or your name is Wilford Brimley. This one is usually full and completely covers the top (and sometimes bottom) lip. Normally, the Bushy Stache doesnt reach much further than the edges of the top lip, as once it does, it loses that Bushy feel and leans more toward Handlebar.


- The Rollie Fingers
This stache is a fierce one that takes uber-dedication to the world of staches to pull off. I mean, if your buying wax and/or other product just for your mustache, you my friend, are fierce. This stache is distinct in its style where you grow the sides fairly long and take the time and effort to twirl and curl those sides into their signature shape.


- The Porn Stache
Johnny Wadd originated this one, and it has honestly taken on many different shapes and sizes in its day. Be advised though, just because a man who is "acting" in a porn film has a mustache, it doesnt mean he is rockin the Porn Stache. They are a completely different beast. The Porn Stache is often wispy and unkempt, sometimes too long in certain areas and too short in another. You can often see the skin of the upper lip through the regions of the Porn Stache, but not too much, because if you could, then it would be approaching the Cheesy or the Korean Stache.



- The Cheesy Stache
See any 12 or 13 year old boy who has yet to shave his mustache. Often confused for dirt, the Cheesy Stache is one that can not be grown or displayed. Ever. If your stache is Cheesy, then shave it. I am sorry for you, but you and your Cheesy Stache will not be permitted entry into this club of proud stachers.


- The Korean Stache
If you were to draw a cartoon or a caricature of an Asian man and you filled in his mustached with 7 or 8 generously spaced vertical lines, then you have the definition of the Korean Stache. (**This is not meant to be a slur or a put down of any kind, it is simply an observation of mine with a gross generalization for a title.) Often coupled with the Cheesy Stache in modern use.


- The Fu-Manchu
This long wispy stache is one that can be seen in almost every Kung Fu or Martial Arts flick. This is a stache that boasts sides so long that they hang down well below the face. This stache is best left to those aforemtentioned movies.

- The Two-Part Stache
Any mustache that is separated in the middle of the upper-lip by a distinct parting of the hair thanks to a bald patch. This title is often couple with other types of stache - for example, "He's rollin with a Two-Part Rollie Fingers!"


- The Magnum
This one was made famous by Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I., and it is one that is as famous as it gets. There is no doubt in my mind that Magnum would not have been a hit show at all had Tom Selleck been bare-lipped. This famous Stache is one that really needs no description, as everyone should know it by mere mention of the name. However, for those of you who dont, its part Dad-Stache and part Bushy, but it extends past the reaches of the mouth corners. Recently, Jason Lee and his character on the show "My Name is Earl" have brought back the Magnum a little, and while it isnt in the same league as Selleck's beauty, it does fit the style mold. Please note... this stache is unrivalled in its awesomeness.


- The Handlebar
Coming in a close 2nd to the Magnum is the Handlebar, and this is one that is my personal favorite (see my blogger profile pic for proof). Hulk Hogan made this one his own, and in his hey-day, you could say that his blonde Handlebar was as much his signature as his whole shirt-ripping routine, or his use of the words "Brother" or "Vitamins". The Handlebar is aptly named, as this stache is one that extends down the sides of the mouth, stopping just before the ridge of the chin or in any area reasonably close to that.



- The Paul Teutul
This is a variation of the Handlebar, where the sides of the stache extend on below the chin as far as the hair will grow. This is an extremely difficult stache to grow and maintain, so I recommend that unless your name is Paul Teutel, you leave this one alone.



- The Milk Mustache
Not really a mustache at all, but Gisele Bundchen is friggin hot.

I think I have covered them all, but I'm not entirely sure, as I am sure that many people out there have seen staches in all other shapes and sizes. If you think I have missed one or would care to argue about my categories, feel free to email me at chriszimmer@sasktel.net or leave a comment.

Now, to wrap this rambling up, I just have to say that it takes a special kind of man to grow a stache, as not everyone can pull it off. You need a certain amount of moxie to rock a stache, you need the right mix of self-confidence with a sense of self-effacing humor. Its tough to do, and that is why the list of famous stachers is so short.

If you do decide to join me in bringing back the stache, then consider yourself warned on the trials and tribulations of the stache.

Rock on good soldiers... Rock on...

Until Next Time...

One Fan's Review... "Superman Returns"

"Let's start with the big question, where'd you go?"
~ Lois Lane (Superman Returns)

One Fan's Review - "Superman Returns"

Now, recall my previous post on this subject when I rambled on about how excited I was to see this movie. Being a lifelong Superman fan, I was thoroughly giddy to see the Caped Wonder back on the big screen. So it was with great anticipation and a small slice of caution that I entered the theatre last night at 7:30pm.

First, let me just say that the theatre was friggin packed. I had to sit entirely too close to the screen, which actually lessened my viewing pleasure. Fucking people and their "these seats are saved" bullshit. I literally wanted to punch someone in the face last night.

Anyway, as the movie got underway (finally after about 28mins of commercials and previews - including one for Spiderman 3, whichs looks good) I was extremely pleased to see the old school credits and John Williams genius score being used to open the movie. I had goosebumps. Little did I know that the use of the original style credits was the beginning of an underlying theme of similarity and respect to the original Richad Donner films.

Let's break down the major pieces to this film to help me review it.

Cast:
Brandon Routh - Superman/Clark Kent
Grade: A
In a word? Fantastic. He more than filled the lofty expectations that were laid on him. In the non action sequences, his Superman was genuine and heartfelt and in the action scenes, he was superb. Superman needs to be played as straight-laced do gooder who never wavers in his position to fight for truth, justice and all that other stuff -- and Routh did that to a T. Now, was his Clark Kent simply an impression of Chris Reeve's genius role? Maybe. But what else could he do? And even if it were, it didnt take anything away from the film. And thats saying something. I really look forward to Routh reprised this role in the forthcoming sequel(s).

Kevin Spacey - Lex Luthor
Grade: A-
In a word? Wicked. You had to know that Spacey was going to bring the ruckus to this role, and it got going in the first scene, where he cons his dying "wife" into leaving him her entire fortune, and then coldly leaves the room mere seconds after she signs the will and passes away. After that he gets into Lex mode, preparing to take over the world in diabolical Lex Luthor fashion. But his best scenes come when he has the annoyed look of utter disdain on his face as he is dealing with his bumbling crew of ruffians. Also, when he and Kitty Kowalski are in scenes together, it brings back vivid memories of Hackman and Perrine (Miss Tessmacher), only Posey's Kowalski is far more sarcastic and tough. Spacey did a great job with the Luthor role, he was funny, his dialogue was razor-sharp and his hatred for Superman was pure.

Kate Bosworth - Lois Lane
Grade: C
In a word? Okay. Before I saw the film, I had heard all the critics say that Bosworth was a little too young to be believable as the tough as nails reporter -- and mother to a 5 yr old. I went in with an open mind, but to be honest, they were right. Quite simply, she looked too young. Her acting was great, but I just couldnt get past the fact that she looks about 20yrs old. Some of her dialogue was cringe-worthy, but in the majority of her scene's with Superman, there was great chemistry.

The rest of the cast shakes out like this, in my opinion:

Sam Huntington - Jimmy Olsen: A+ ; His comedy was fantastic, and his man-crush on Clark Kent was hilariously obvious.

Parker Posey - Kitty Kowalski: B+ ; The dark comedy was a good counterpoint to Lex, but the way she fell apart in the end was simply too Tessmacher-esque.

James Mardson - Richard White: B- ; In the scenes where he was trying to get Lois to talk about Superman, you could really feel his jealousy and concern that his fiancée was still in love with Superman. But in the other scenes, he was just a hollow, generic male character.

Tristan Lake Leabu - Jason White: C ; Lois' son spent most of the movie staring off into space. It was distracting almost, but the twist with him was one that I didnt see coming. As I think back on the film though, there were signs, and I applaude Singer's direction for the subtlety of those signs.

Kal Penn - Stanford: F ; I have no idea why he was even credited in this movie. He didnt have a single line of discernable dialogue and his character was so completely pointless that his death was hardly noticeable.

Special Effects / CGI:
I am not kidding when I say that the special effects and visual imagery in this film is vastly superior to anything else I have seen. The only films that comes close are the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Superman's flying scenes are spectacular, so much so that you cant really tell that its CG. I'm not kidding, the effects in this movie are amazing. It is exactly how you think it should look. I mean, if you imagine how it should look for a man to stop a plane from crashing into a baseball stadium, it should be pretty amazing right? Right... and it is. Believe me, it is.

Also, the closing scenes are excellent. If you recall how all of the previous Superman films ended - with Superman flying around the world looking around and eventually flying past the camera with that little smile on his face - well, that is precisely how this one ended. It was the final tip fo the cap to the movies that came before, and I think it was icing on the cake. Routh's flying in that scene is spot on to Reeve's, and again I have to applaude Bryan Singer to including that. Bravo.

Plot:
Okay, listen. If anyone goes into this movie expecting a deep plot with various twists and turns, then you are going to be disappointed. Seriously though, its Superman for crissakes. The plot is standard superhero fare. It lays out like this. Superhero spends time saving lives and kicking butt, arch villian starts causing trouble and kidnaps superhero's love, superhero tries to stop villian but gets hurt and you are doubting if he can do it, superhero somehow summons the strength/powers to vanquish villian and save the world, superhero is hurt during this climactic world-saving scene, villian gets away, superhero is thought dead but recovers, world rejoices. Done and done. Of course there are bumps and little twists along the way, but thats pretty much how it goes in most superhero movies. And to be honest, I would expect nothing less.

Also, please spare me the questions of logic and/or incontinuity. You have to check those parts of your brain at the door somewhat when you enter a Superman (or superhero) movie. I cant stand it when people are like "why did it take him so long to catch upto that plane if he can fly around the world in like 5 seconds?" One word loser - drama. But again I commend Singer and his staff for making a film that didnt require the movie-goer to stomach too many scenes that dont make sense (logically speaking).


The Bottom Line:
The bottom line here is that this is a fantastic summer blockbuster type film that should make oodles of money in the theatres. But amongst the dizzying action and fantastic effects lies a story of heartache, sorrow and deep emotion. Honestly, I didnt think that they could do that with a Superman film, but they did, and they did it well.

Overall this movie was extremely entertaining to watch and it has more than rejuvinated a once dead movie franchise. I'm not sure they could have done a better job of bring back the Man of Steel than they did. It's not often that I will see a movie twice in the theatre, but I will be seeing this movie again. It's that good - and I'm not just saying that because I am such a huge fan of the Man of Steel... okay maybe I am.

Final Grade: A+