"No big deal... it's just a little hair..."

"Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to."
~ Ellis "Red" Redding : The Shawshank Redemption

Okay, admittedly the above quote may be a little dramatic for this post, but the underlying message remains, enduring foulness to get where youre going or get something done.

Now, I didnt have to smash a sewer pipe in my recent reno adventure, but I did have to endure some foul smelling foulness, and while it wasnt that funny at the time, it makes for a good story, so I gotta share it.

My wife and I are in the latter stages of renovating our bedroom and main bathroom, so we decided to lump our ensuite bathroom into the mix as well. It got a fresh coat of paint, a new wall vanity, mirror, countertop, taps and sink. Well, after a professional came in and installed the countertop, I installed the sink.

I have to say that just before I tore out the old sink, we had noticed that it was draining rather slowly, and with that bathroom being used primarily by my wife to "get ready", I was more than sure that it was just hair that was hindering the water flow.

"No big deal," I thought, "just a little hair... I'll get it out of the p-trap when I replace the sink."

Well, after getting the new taps installed and the sink all in place, I got down to solving this drain problem...

...remember what I said... "just a little hair"...

During these home renovations, I have repeatedly consulted what I like to call the "Reno Bible". Its that orange "Home Renos 1-2-3" book from Home Depot, and it has tips, hints and instructions on pretty much every aspect of home renovations. It's a really handy reference guide, and it makes for great bathroom reading... both while working on one, and sitting in one...

(I know, bad joke. Sorry about that.)

Anyway, I was reading through the tips on doing plumbing and it says things like "know when to call in a professional" and "doing a job right the first time is cheaper than having to fix it down the road"... you know, standard, "You can do it. We can help." type stuff... but there was one note that I got a kick out of, and it read something like "if you are not interesting in getting dirty or sometimes dealing with unpleasant smells or materials, then doing home plumbing probably isnt for you"... fair enough, I think. If you dont like shit, dont do shit... got it...

...but hey, I was just dealing with "a little hair" in a slow moving drain... no big deal...

Okay, I dont know how many of you have ever opened a p-trap before, but for those that havent, it is not a pleasant experience. When you send stuff down the drain, it's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. But man, some of the stuff that remains in those pipes is not nice.

So, I sit down in front of this p-trap with my tools and my bucket, and I am about to unscrew the nut at the bottom of the p-trap, you know, the one they put there so you can get into the trap to work on clogs, or if you drop your diamond ring down there, and my wife says to me, "Oh yeah, I dropped a barrette down the drain a while ago".

Nice, so I'm now positive that this barrette is causing the slowness. No big deal. A wedged barrette and "a little hair".

So I unscrew the nut at the bottom of the trap and instantly this blackish water flows out, followed by a thick midnight black liquid that looks like ink... followed by the most disgusting smell that has ever graced my olfactory senses...

I almost hurled.

Never before have I been close to wretching from a foul odor, I mean, cripes, I'm a guy! But this *odor* was so intensely sour that it brought me to the brink.

Think rotten eggs covered in mouldy sour cream, sitting in a pile of warm, composting stinkweed leaves nestled in a bed of shit-covered burnt hair.

You think I'm kidding.

Anyway, I gotta get back to work... so, after blinking the tears from my now burning eyes, and fighting back the urge to vomit. I reach my fingers into the bottom of the p-trap, and I instantly pull out the barrette. It falls into the bucket with a harmless *splish*. But there was no hair caught in it.

I look closer and I see a few hairs hanging out of the bottom of the trap, so I reach in and pull on them...

... the image that followed will haunt my dreams for years ...

Suddenly, out of the bottom of the trap slithers this pitch-black snake of hair that was as thick around as the pipe... yes ladies and gents, it was a 1-1/4" thick hairball that was about 6" long... It looked like a really big burnt hot-dog... and man did it stink! *gag*

Amazingly, amidst all this, my wife Lisa remained at the bathroom door to watch the ordeal, and we both shared a collective "Oh. My. God." when that hair snake slopped out of that pipe. Looking back, it was actually quite funny. I would have liked to had a camera set up.

After running some water to clear out some more of the debris, I put things back together and cleaned up. I was about to take this bucket of foulness outside to dispose of it when Lisa said, "let's take a picture"... great idea...

So here it is people, in all its gory glory...

Yuck... But hey it made for a good story, and at least the drain works properly now...

***Tangent Alert***
Before I end this rambling post, I gotta ask -- How is it possible that women can lose that much hair and still have these full flowing manes of beautiful locks? I mean, that hairball was approx 3 times the TOTAL amount of hair I have on my head, and it somehow managed to fall out of my wife's head (and who knows, maybe the previous owner's wife's head too). I dont get it. If that much hair fell out of my head, I'd be right between Michael Chiklis and Howie Mandel on the baldness scale. Crazy...

Anyway, enough for today... have a good weekend... and hey, if you want to save this picture I have posted and use it for your wallpaper or something, feel free... I shouldnt be the only one haunted by it...