Being a Dad : Year 1 (Vol. 1)

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad."
~Author Unknown

I dont want to get sappy or too serious in this post, as that's not what I'm about. I just want to lay out some of the things that I have learned during this past year, my first year of fatherhood -- being a Dad.

Diaclaimer -- Now remember, everything I say here is from my own admittedly sheltered and narrow point of view.

- The exact moment of my daughter's birth is one that I will never forget, just dont ask me what time it was. Isnt it funny how you think that you will never forget any detail from that moment, and yet, invariably, you do? It's not that youre a bad person, its just that time has a way of letting some things slip out of the old immediate recollection department.

- Gone are the days of handing out cigars in the waiting room. Its a good thing too, because they dont have ashtrays in those rooms. Can you imagine lighting up a cigar after your child is born? Not only is it terrible for everyone involved, but I was so wound up from nerves, caffeine and adrenaline, that I probably would have smoked an entire Monte Cristo #4 in 12 seconds... and puked immediately after that...

- I'll be honest, the child-birthing experience is one that cannot be done with any sense of humility. Your wife just has to lay it all out there, and no matter what you think, the nurses have seen it all. It is such a primal act, that you have no qualms about any of the messy details.

- There is a moment, not long after your first child is born, where you will say... "Oh my God. I'm someone's Dad." It is a moment of blinding fear, unbridled joy and piercing reality... and I loved it.

- Our prenatal class instructor told us that babies do not know how to breastfeed when they are born, they have to learn, just as the mother does. That was truly an odd statement I thought, but believe me, it is very true.

- The day you bring your child home, there is another distinct moment of reality. There is more fear and more joy, and you find yourself asking - "Okay, now what do we do?".

- Changing a girl's diaper is vastly different than changing a boy's diaper. I have 4 nephews, and I have changed their diapers in the past, but when I changed my daughter's diaper for the first time, I found myself alarmed at how much harder it is, as there are "creases" and other areas that need to remain clean. With a boy its just a swipe and a wipe and hope you dont get peed on, but with girls, you have to be a little more careful and gentle... or at least I think so...

- Before my daughter Paige was born, people used to joke and say "enjoy your sleep now". I used to shrug those comments off and think, "it cant be THAT bad". Believe me, at times, it is. Getting your baby into a solid sleeping pattern is truly a trial and error system, only it takes place at 3am, when you want nothing more than to be in your warm bed, sleeping.

- Speaking of that... The Baby Whisperer knows what she is talking about.

- Also, before I go any further, I have to say that I consider myself lucky to have the parenthood partner that I do. Lisa is an amazing mother, and without her, I'm not sure what I would do.

- It's a pretty awesome feeling to have your baby girl sleep on your chest.

- The first time your baby smiles at you, that's it, you're done. From that point forward, you will get that baby anything it wants, take it anywhere it wants, buy it whatever it wants, you will go to the ends of eternity and back... and you will do all this because of that first smile. Its tough to explain, but trust me, when you see that first thoothless grin, you'll know what I'm talking about.

- Paige's first word was "Dad". It melts my heart everytime she says it.

- Hence, I think I am going to have a hard time being a disciplinarian with Paige, I'll admit it.

- It's amazing to watch your child learn and grow. When Paige first learned to crawl, I was bursting with pride, almost as if I had something to do with it. I didnt really, but still, you feel proud...

~~

That's enough for today... I'll split this thing up into Volumes...

"No big deal... it's just a little hair..."

"Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to."
~ Ellis "Red" Redding : The Shawshank Redemption

Okay, admittedly the above quote may be a little dramatic for this post, but the underlying message remains, enduring foulness to get where youre going or get something done.

Now, I didnt have to smash a sewer pipe in my recent reno adventure, but I did have to endure some foul smelling foulness, and while it wasnt that funny at the time, it makes for a good story, so I gotta share it.

My wife and I are in the latter stages of renovating our bedroom and main bathroom, so we decided to lump our ensuite bathroom into the mix as well. It got a fresh coat of paint, a new wall vanity, mirror, countertop, taps and sink. Well, after a professional came in and installed the countertop, I installed the sink.

I have to say that just before I tore out the old sink, we had noticed that it was draining rather slowly, and with that bathroom being used primarily by my wife to "get ready", I was more than sure that it was just hair that was hindering the water flow.

"No big deal," I thought, "just a little hair... I'll get it out of the p-trap when I replace the sink."

Well, after getting the new taps installed and the sink all in place, I got down to solving this drain problem...

...remember what I said... "just a little hair"...

During these home renovations, I have repeatedly consulted what I like to call the "Reno Bible". Its that orange "Home Renos 1-2-3" book from Home Depot, and it has tips, hints and instructions on pretty much every aspect of home renovations. It's a really handy reference guide, and it makes for great bathroom reading... both while working on one, and sitting in one...

(I know, bad joke. Sorry about that.)

Anyway, I was reading through the tips on doing plumbing and it says things like "know when to call in a professional" and "doing a job right the first time is cheaper than having to fix it down the road"... you know, standard, "You can do it. We can help." type stuff... but there was one note that I got a kick out of, and it read something like "if you are not interesting in getting dirty or sometimes dealing with unpleasant smells or materials, then doing home plumbing probably isnt for you"... fair enough, I think. If you dont like shit, dont do shit... got it...

...but hey, I was just dealing with "a little hair" in a slow moving drain... no big deal...

Okay, I dont know how many of you have ever opened a p-trap before, but for those that havent, it is not a pleasant experience. When you send stuff down the drain, it's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. But man, some of the stuff that remains in those pipes is not nice.

So, I sit down in front of this p-trap with my tools and my bucket, and I am about to unscrew the nut at the bottom of the p-trap, you know, the one they put there so you can get into the trap to work on clogs, or if you drop your diamond ring down there, and my wife says to me, "Oh yeah, I dropped a barrette down the drain a while ago".

Nice, so I'm now positive that this barrette is causing the slowness. No big deal. A wedged barrette and "a little hair".

So I unscrew the nut at the bottom of the trap and instantly this blackish water flows out, followed by a thick midnight black liquid that looks like ink... followed by the most disgusting smell that has ever graced my olfactory senses...

I almost hurled.

Never before have I been close to wretching from a foul odor, I mean, cripes, I'm a guy! But this *odor* was so intensely sour that it brought me to the brink.

Think rotten eggs covered in mouldy sour cream, sitting in a pile of warm, composting stinkweed leaves nestled in a bed of shit-covered burnt hair.

You think I'm kidding.

Anyway, I gotta get back to work... so, after blinking the tears from my now burning eyes, and fighting back the urge to vomit. I reach my fingers into the bottom of the p-trap, and I instantly pull out the barrette. It falls into the bucket with a harmless *splish*. But there was no hair caught in it.

I look closer and I see a few hairs hanging out of the bottom of the trap, so I reach in and pull on them...

... the image that followed will haunt my dreams for years ...

Suddenly, out of the bottom of the trap slithers this pitch-black snake of hair that was as thick around as the pipe... yes ladies and gents, it was a 1-1/4" thick hairball that was about 6" long... It looked like a really big burnt hot-dog... and man did it stink! *gag*

Amazingly, amidst all this, my wife Lisa remained at the bathroom door to watch the ordeal, and we both shared a collective "Oh. My. God." when that hair snake slopped out of that pipe. Looking back, it was actually quite funny. I would have liked to had a camera set up.

After running some water to clear out some more of the debris, I put things back together and cleaned up. I was about to take this bucket of foulness outside to dispose of it when Lisa said, "let's take a picture"... great idea...

So here it is people, in all its gory glory...

Yuck... But hey it made for a good story, and at least the drain works properly now...

***Tangent Alert***
Before I end this rambling post, I gotta ask -- How is it possible that women can lose that much hair and still have these full flowing manes of beautiful locks? I mean, that hairball was approx 3 times the TOTAL amount of hair I have on my head, and it somehow managed to fall out of my wife's head (and who knows, maybe the previous owner's wife's head too). I dont get it. If that much hair fell out of my head, I'd be right between Michael Chiklis and Howie Mandel on the baldness scale. Crazy...

Anyway, enough for today... have a good weekend... and hey, if you want to save this picture I have posted and use it for your wallpaper or something, feel free... I shouldnt be the only one haunted by it...

Tangible video evidence!

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven. "
~Jean Chretien


(**Note -- I have no idea what the quote means. I just thought it was funny -- and it sort of fits the theme of this post.**)

Okay people... recall my post on my lack of hockey skills? Well, as it turns out, I may have been a little too hard on myself. I am not as bad as I once thought.

Does this mean I am good?

Nope. Not at all. Let's not get crazy.

It just means that I'm not that bad... if that makes any sense.

Well, just to ensure that people know I am not simply stating my case without, as Chretien would say, "a proven proof", feel free to view a short video of yours truly, shot at our last hockey game. (I am the tall dude in the red shirt and blue bucket hat -- who needs helmets!?!)

Here's the link:

http://www.putfile.com/captainzimmy (Just click on the file "Zimmy On Ice" and enjoy!)

Now, for those of you who do surf your way to that site, also feel free to view the other video file on that page (titled Carey On Ice), as it is a short video of my good buddy Carey, as he effortlessly glides around the ice at our first hockey game (a couple years ago). To his credit, he has improved greatly since that last game, but nothing will ever top the comedy of that one time. Notice how he burns his ankles the whole time and is wearing his cup outside his sweats... priceless!

Anyway, that's all for today... I'll check back later...

Oh yeah, before I go... for those of you who view the video of me on the ice, pay no attention to the fact that I was supposed to be playing defense. I mean, in the end, when I rush in with the puck and try to centre it, pay no attention to the fact that I gave up a 2 on zero when the other team stole my centering pass... just completely disregard it, okay? (like I said, I'm not good, I'm just not that bad...)

and thanks to Putfile.com for their free hosting! (Plug alert!)

later...

Just stopping by...

I havent been around for a while, I know this... but I do have valid reasons... we were out of town two weeks ago, and I was off work last week partaking in another home renovation (main bathroom this time), so I havent had a chance to post...

I can say this though, when I hosted poker at my house last time, the outcome as not as favorable as I would have liked... I didnt make the money (or even close) in any of the three games... dammit, back to square one...

I am beginning to think that I am not that bad at hockey afterall... I mean, I had a game on Feb 24th with a group of buddies, and not only did I score a goal, but I actually felt like I was fitting in and sort of knew what I was doing on the ice... oh yeah, we had a shootout after the game too, and I scored a pretty goal there too... roofed it - glove side... (how pathetic am I?)

I will be posting a few things coming up here... look for a column on being a First Time Dad, as my daughter's 1st birthday approaches, and also look for a column outlining the do's and dont's of home renovation -- for those regular folk out there (like me)...

oh yeah, I have another poker game on the 11th... so look for a recap of that debacle too...

later all...