"I'm going to Calgary to visit my brother and his fianceé on March 9th, and I think I will take Paige with me while she still flies for free."
Such a sentence sends a chill down the spine of any married man. Not a chill of fear mind you, a chill of excitement. A weekend at home with no wife and no kid(s)? Gentlemen, get your beer faces on, its time to throw down.
The word bachelor does not apply to me anymore, you see, I have been married for almost 5 years and my wife and I have a daughter who turns 2 at the end of March. The only time I utter the word bachelor, is when we are reliving past glories of bachelor parties come and gone.
(*note - The term "bach'n it", or "batchin" is not to be used. At all. I dont even understand it.)
So, when my wife laid out her travel plans, I considered my options. Since Lisa and Paige's flight was leaving Friday at 10pm, I still had Friday night to consider. Saturday was not going to be an option because I was slated to work some overtime, which started a 6. I also had a playoff basketball game in my men's league on Sunday at 10:30am, so the responsible adult in me had resigned myself to an early Saturday night after finishing work.
Ever heard the term, "When the cat is away, the mice will play"? I know, I know. It is standard 1950s drivel that has managed to entrench itself into pop culture vernacular to this very day. Well, some men take that phrase and run with it the second they are in bachelor mode.
Me? Not so much. I mean, I had planned on going out and having some drinks, but never once did a trip to a local night club cross my mind. Am I getting old? Maybe. But here is the thing, I have done the bar scene. Repeatedly. The bar scene is Paris Hilton, and I am every 20 something male living in Los Angeles. Been there. Done it. It is a sad and tired exercise of leering, yelling and groping all wrapped up in the stench of beer breath and cigarettes. I have no interest in flocking to a crappy warehouse converted into a bass pumping, light flashing shithole just to say that I was reliving my single days.
On the other hand, its not like I was looking to head to some smarmy coffee house and sit quietly while some phoney douchebag in a dashiki and a DC cap reads passages of shitty poetry where he rhymes "Helen of Troy" with "Fall Out Boy".
I was just planning on socializing with friends, and if the opportunity presented itself, getting pissed and sleeping in the next day.
Rather than banter on about what I had planned on doing, let me just chronicle what I actually did do on my wild bachelor weekend. If anyone who reads this wishes to live vicariously through my wild and crazy actions, then feel free.
Friday, March 9th.
4:00pm - Plans are made to meet my Dodgeball team at the Tap for drinks after our game (which is at 9 and I am missing). Sounds fun. I like the Tap.
4:15pm - Oh man, work is cancelled for Saturday night. Looks like I have another night free. But remember, I still have that playoff game on Sunday morning.
5:12 - Arrive home with Paige after picking her up from the sitter. Lisa is still at work, she gets home at 7pm. Her flight leaves at 10pm.
5:15 - Leave the house en route to Shopper's, because I forgot to pick up some Children's Gravol for Paige, as Lisa had asked me to do only 10 minutes before - I'm terrible at remembering stuff like that.
6:00 - Paige has had supper and is playing. We are waiting for Lisa to get home.
7:45 - Lisa's parents arrive for a visit to say so long to Paige and Lisa
9:15 - Lisa makes a sudden realization that she should be at the airport earlier than 9:40ish because she is going to have to check Paige's car-seat in.
9:25 - Arrive at airport. Luggage is checked in and they are about to head to security.
9:27 - I kiss them both goodbye and they are walking down the aisle to airport security. Paige stops halfway and looks back to me. "Daddy? C'mon." She says. My heart is broken. Lisa takes Paige's hand and tells her that Daddy is staying at home and that just Paige and Mommy are going on holidays. As they walk toward security Paige looks over her shoulder twice more. I can see that she is saying "Daddy?" but I cant hear it. Wow, I never thought I would be so sad to be a bachelor for a weekend. We're off to a roaring start.
10:15 - At the Tap with my Dodgeball team. A tall glass of beer is in front of me. I'm having a good time but the image of Paige looking back at me and asking for me is burned into my heart and mind for the rest of my life.
11:27 - Dammit. Broke the seal.
11:50 - A few beers in and arguing the merits of Shawn Bradley's NBA career with a buddy. Good times.
12:15am - Lisa calls, their flight was good and all is well. I'm glad to hear they landed safe and are settling in, meanwhile, I order another beer.
12:59am - Last call anyone?
1:50pm - The lights just came on. It has been a long time since I have been in a bar/pub and the lights came on.
2:15 - Arrive home. Throw jacket on the floor, leave a trail of clothes on the way to the bedroom and crash. Holy shit, I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Saturday, March 10th
7:14am - Wake up. Stupid internal clock. Roll over.
9:44am - Wake up again. Realize that it is 9:44 and relish this rare chance to sleep in. Even go so far as to put my hands behind my head and smile. Ahhh...
10:04 - Lisa and Paige call. They let me know what they have planned for the day, etc.
10:58 - I am showered, dressed and leaving the house. Headed out to run some errands, maybe do some shopping.
12:55pm - New shoes purchased, as well as various other tasks completed. Arriving home.
1:15 - Eat something, now its time for NHL07, NBA Live 07 and Tiger Woods 07 on the Xbox.
3:00 - Organize poker game at my house for Saturday night. First hand at 8:30.
4:30 - Still playing Xbox.
5:04 - Leave house to go get some ice, chips, beer and other stuff for the poker game.
7:30 - Guys arrive. Its a small crew, but that increases my odds of winning - or at least shortens my wait when I bust out of the game.
7:40 - Curse at how much we all hate the Toronto Maple Leafs - who we are watching on my 42" plasma. HD is nice, but man those Leafs are terrible.
7:50 - Borat makes his first appearance in our conversation.
7:53 - I start playing the Borat movie, so we could show a couple guys the choice scenes.
8:30 - First hand of poker dealt
10:50 - I win. I'll spare you a boring poker tale of how I came back from a 5 to 1 chip count disadvantage.
11:05 - Game 2 starts.
1:15am - I'm out. Two guys left. The rest of the guys are starting to leave as well.
2:07 - Game is over, guys are just leaving. I contemplate cleaning up. Playoff basketball game in little more that 8 hours.
Sunday, March 11th
8:21am - Alarm. Snooze.
8:30 - Alarm. Get up. Start coffee maker. Get in shower.
9:05 - Showered and I have my basketball stuff all ready to go.
9:10 - Insert "Ultimate Jordan" DVD, cue up scenes from the 92 NBA Finals where Jordan hit 6 three pointers and scored something like 35pts - in the first HALF. I have it cranked so loud that I dont hear the phone ring.
9:45 - Realize I missed Lisa's call. Call her back and she and Paige wish me luck in my game. Head out.
10:04 - Arrive at hoops game, head feeling a little thick from last night, but the Gatorade is helping.
12:05pm - Headed home after game. We friggin lost. Brutal way to end season. Piss-ant referee did his best to shape the outcome of the game. Cant stand that little prick. I played well, even considering my wild and crazy bachelor ways.
1:30 - More Xbox.
1:45 - Make plans with a buddy to go see "300" at 3:45
3:30 - At movie theater. Looking forward to seeing this flick.
6:17 - Get home. Movie was good. It was Gladiator meets Sin City. Really entertaining. Consider calling some friends to go out for something to eat.
6:18 - Reconsider. Eat.
6:50 - Throw in a movie. "Star Wars" or "Empire Strikes Back"? Star Wars it is.
9:03 - Talk to Lisa and Paige.
9:15 - Consider throwing in another movie.
9:16 - Reconsider. Watch 30 Rock, the Office and then an NBA game.
11:35 - Headed to bed. Work tomorrow.
***
And thats it. You see, my weekend started off with the intention of being a wild and crazy bachelor weekend. But it turned out to be a weekend alone with a few sprinklings of bachelor activity. To be honest, I was quite bored most of the time. I missed hanging out with my wife and daughter and was looking forward to them coming home.
Wow. Man has my life changed. Only a few short years ago, any weekend without my wife would have had a time line that looked like this:
Friday
9:30 - Wife is gone.
9:58 - Drunk.
Hey, I'm not saying I didnt have fun this weekend. Friday night was awesome, Saturday was too. The movie on Sunday was great. I had a good weekend. I just wasnt as shit my pants drunk as I have been in the past. I guess creeping up on 30 does that to a guy.
Labels: stuff I think about, stuff I wrote
I am sure there are more annoying things out there, but this BBQ cover makes me crazy. I really does. I mean, it is competely necessary, but it is incredibly hard to work with, always dirty and just a flat out pain in the ass to put on.
A freaking garage.
