Pro-Line Prognostication Putridity -- Vol. 1

The NFL season is in full swing... and after three weeks of betting on NFL games, it has become glaringly obvious that I am terrible at betting on NFL games. In all the years of betting on NFL games, I have won exactly one time. And that ticket was worth a whopping $9.34 . So, after losing again this week, I thought that it would be good for me to post my bets and results here on this blog... for no other reason than it will help me to cope. Each week I will post my tickets, my bets and my potential winnings... and as the season goes, I will keep running totals of how much money I have wasted at Pro-Line and how much I have missed out on.

I'm so bad its funny, and that is why I am posting it here...

So, without further rambling, I present to you The Captain's Pro-Line Prognostication Putridity -- Vol.1:

Ticket #1 : ProLine
CHI @ MIN : CHI to win
JAX @ IND : IND to win
BAL @ CLE : Tie game
NYG @ SEA : SEA to win
ATL @ NWO : NWO to win
Bet: $3
Potential prize: $179.22

Recap: Ok, so I didnt do too terribly bad on this ticket. The CHI/MIN game burnt my chances because that one was classed as a tie. But this post was made prior to the ATL/NWO game - so we'll see how that one plays out before I make final judgement. If NWO pulls off a win tonight, I am sending the Bears a bill for $179.22, because they officially cost me that much by not winning by more than 3 points. Effin Bears.

Ticket #2 : ProLine
TEN @ MIA : Ten to win
GB @ DET : GB to win
CIN @ PIT : CIN to win
WSH @ HOU : HOU to win
Bet: $2
Potential prize: $359.32

Recap: Wow. This ticket gets filed under the "going for the odds" file, where I was looking for a big payday off of my $2 bet. Tenessee and Houston to win? Seriously? Man, I need a common sense advisor to come with me on Sunday mornings to give me a tap on the shoulder and a "uh uh" when I hover my pencil over picks like those... friggin idiot. Good calls on the IND and GB games though.

Ticket #3 : Point Spread
Car -3.5 @ TB : CAR
CHI -3.5 @ MIN : CHI
CIN @ PIT -2.5 : CIN
GB @ DET -6.5 : GB
JAX @ IND -6.5 : IND
NYJ @ BUF -5.5 : NYJ
TEN @ MIA -10.5 : TEN
WSH -3.5 @ HOU : HOU
BAL -6.5 @ CLE : CLE
NYG @ SEA -3.5 : SEA
PHI -6.5 @ SF : SF
STL @ ARZ -4.5 : ARZ
Bet: $3
Potential prize: $1500.00

Recap: Well, I didnt do too bad here, but I still crapped the bed. When playing Point Spread, you can still win with 10 or 11 correct, but my ticket was cooked by the time the CAR/TB and CHI/MIN games were done. Damn! And what was with pickign HOU again on this ticket? Idiot. Also, picking SF was clearly done with my heart - as I am a die-hard Niner fan. All in all, one fact remains - I suck at this.

2006 Totals:
Bets: $8
Potential Winnings not won: $2038.54

Alright - I'm off to a roaring start here. All I can say is that - I'll be back again next week... and that the law of averages says that I HAVE to win one of these times...

PS - Thank God I dont bet much more than 2 or 3 bucks per ticket...

PPS - If anyone has any advice for a struggling idiot like myself - feel free to email me or leave a comment... I'll take any and all advice... seriously...

Until Next Week...

Are people really this dumb?

Here is a great story of how stupid and insensitive people can be...

Lisa, Paige and I strolled to our local Rogers Video this past weekend - the same Rogers Video that I used to work evenings and weekends at as I was going to tech school - and as we are entering the checkout lineup, the manager comes up to say hello.

He was the manager when I worked there (yes - his career goals are sky-high), and to be honest, the guy is a total putz. He still rocks the shaved head & goatee look that stormed pop culture when Stone Cold Steve Austin was WWF/E champ, and he tries to maintain the cool guy attitude by being everyone's friend and a buttery smooth conversationalist. This is the front he puts on - when in reality, he's an immature blabbermouthed simpleton who doesn’t know cool from Kool & the Gang.

So anyway, he says hello and says - "Oh this is your kid!", acting as if he has never seen her before, even though we have rented from that store approximately 63 times since she was in utero. He follows that up with, "She's cute - look at those blue eyes" - again, keeping it Velveeta to the end... but then he looks at me and drops:

"Oh a girl though dude? That's terrible... thank God I don’t have girls."

"That's terrible"? Terrible? After an exchange of shocked looks between Lisa and I, I wanted nothing more than to slap Mr. Manager with my copy of "Friends with Money", and follow it with an uppercut with "Poseidon".

Who says that?

I realize people (men) are oddly inclined to make the obligatory "get the shotgun ready" jokes when speaking to other men about their daughters, but to use the word terrible? Isnt that crossing the line? That's not crossing the insensitivity line - that's taking a Bob Beaman-esque leap over it.

Yeah, really terrible... isn't it?

Ultimately, I shrugged it off in classic Zimmer fashion, giving this moron the "Yeah... terrible... right..." line in deadpan fashion that was just dripping with obvious sarcasm. Oblivious to my not so thinly veiled shot at his insensitive comment, he moved on to some other customers - but I'm not sure if he was going to insult them and their 18month old daughters or not. My sarcastic comment aside, I really didn’t get to exact my revenge on this guy, except maybe, when I post this story on my blog for all the world to read.

Oh yeah, and I guess the ultimate revenge will be how this man's children grow up - he has two boys. My money isnt on them growing into insensitive, poorly educated, mouth-breathing sloths like their father... nope, its on them maturing into waif-like, well dressed metrosexuals who sit when they pee and have a certain proclivity for all things phallic.

...not that there is anything wrong with that...

PS - "Friends with Money" is easily the worst movie I have ever seen. Even ultra-hot Jenn Aniston couldn’t make that atrocity watchable. Coming in a close 2nd? "Poseidon".

Fantasy Draft 2006...

Ok, I realize that everyone else and their dog posts about fantasy football right now, but seriously, I dont care... this is a good space for me to vent over my stupid picks and idiotic moves on draft night...

First off, draft night is the best... I mean, it's 10 guys sitting around a table, drinking beer, eating wings and other such artery clogging items, talking football and busting each other's chops. It's hysterical... and I wish it happened more often...

So, my league is a keeper league -- for those of you who dont know what that means, well, a keeper league is one that allows you to protect X amount of players from your previous year's roster, thusly, keeping them on your team. So going into the draft, all the best players are already gone, the only thing left are rookies, veteran guys worth drafting but not worth protecting, and sleeper picks that will hopefully have a big year coming out of nowhere.

Last year, thanks to some injuries (I had Marc Bulger, Darrell Jackson and Priest Holmes get injured on my team) and thanks to Terrell Owens' stupid antics (getting booted from the Eagles and not playing the 2nd half of the year), my team tanked... I wasnt going to get near the top three - which earn money in this league, so I decided to strip my roster and try to get draft picks and position myself for a rebuilding year. So, after it was all said and done, I finished in last place -- which earned me the 1st overall pick in this years draft.

Heading into the draft, I really needed to get a QB -- so I dangled the 1st overall pick and eventually traded it, along with Terrell Owens and Jake Delhomme to another guy for Daunte Culpepper, Javon Walker and his 6th overall pick. I am happy with that move, even though both guys I traded for are coming off knee injuries and I gave up the chance to draft Reggie Bush (remember, keeper league). That being said, I got ready for the draft, and the season, fully aware that I probably am not going to compete for the money this year...

am I ok with that? sure...

Anyway, here is how my roster looked heading into the draft:

QB Culpepper
RB Edgerrin James, Willis McGahee
WR Javon Walker, Darrell Jackson, Joe Horn, Lee Evans
K Shayne Graham

So obviously, I need some help at every position, and here is how the draft went down:

These are all the picks for the first three rounds...

Round 1
DisTillers - Reggie Bush RB NO
Kodiacers - Chester Taylor RB MIN
Fightin Tunas - Frank Gore RB SF
Darth Raiders - Joseph Addai RB IND
Men Against Speedos - Wali Lundy RB HOU
Dorothy Mantooth was a Saint - DeAngelo Williams RB CAR
Gradiators - Heath Miller TE PIT (a TE this early?)
More Cowbell - Lawrence Maroney RB NE
Southern Discomfort - Mike Bell RB DEN
Crown Royal Norsemen - Derrick Mason WR BAL
Duffsuckers - Matt Leinary QB ARI

Round 2
More Cowbell - Kevan Barlow RB NYJ (not so sure about this one yet)
Duffsuckers - LenDale White RB TEN
Fightin Tunas - Laverneous Coles WR NYJ (and his tortured childhood)
Darth Raiders - Michael Vick QB ATL (maybe one year he'll turn out to be a QB)
Men Against Speedos (MAS) - Nate Burleson WR SEA
DisTillers - Baltimore DEF
Gradiators - Dominic Rhodes RB IND
Kodiacers - Ron Dayne RB HOU (wild mockery ensued)
Southern Discomfort - Ernest Wiliford WR JAX
Crown Royal Norsemen - Keith Bulluck LB TEN
D Mantooth Saints - Byron Leftwich QB JAX

Round 3
Cowbell - Philip Rivers QB SD
Duffsuckers - Reggie Brown WR PHI
Tunas - Ray Lewis LB BAL
Raiders - Matt Jones WR JAX
MAS - Chris Simms QB TB
DisTillers - Vince Young QB TEN
Kodiacers - Mushin Muhmmamad WR CHI
Southern Discomfort - Vernon Davis TE SF (grr - my next pick!)
CR Norsemen - Ronde Barber DB TB
D Mantooth Saints - Eddie Kennison WR KC

I'll spare you the rest of the rounds, and just tell you that the rest of my picks went like this:

Alge Crumpler TE ATL
Cincinnati DEF
Eric Coleman DB NYJ
Julius Peppers DL CAR
Kevin Curtis WR STL
Julian Peterson LB SEA (yes - another guy coming off a knee injury)
Brandon Jacobs RB NYG
Jerametruis Butler DB STL
Ken Lucas DB CAR
Robert Ferguson WR GB
Aaron Rodgers QB GB (Brett Favre cant go on forever)
Arnaz Battle WR SF (everyone had to take a home team pick in the 15th rd)

So that's it... that's my fantasy team... I'm hoping that Culpepper regains form, same goes for Walker and that Edge and McGahee will find the endzone more often than last year...

Of course, none of this will happen probably, and I'll be stuck in the basement again... but who knows, stranger things have happened...

Until Next Time...