6 Reasons to love the movie "Commando"

The movie "Commando" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger is quite possibly the greatest 1980's action flick of all time. Some may argue for other serious action movies, but in all reality, the 80's action genre is personified by cheesy dialogue, over the top action sequences, one man vs innumerable enemies, the one main "bad guy", and above all... catchphrases.

This is why I think 1985's "Commando" serves as the apex of 80's action cheese. It had Arnold at his peak. It had the ultimate "that girl" in Rae Dawn Chong. It had a venerable child star in Alyssa Milano. It had 1,000 trained guerillas against one John Matrix. It had the one "bad guy" in Bennett. And of course, it had the catchphrase ...

So rather than write out my top 6 reasons to love "Commando", I enlisted the help of YouTube.

So here you go:

1. Matrix's Intro.



Seriously, is there a better intro than to show Matrix's huge arms walking purposefully through the forrest carrying a chain-saw and a FRIGGIN TREE over his shoulder? Just awesome.


2. Matrix doesnt fuck around.



This cheesy villian thinks he can smooth-talk John Matrix into co-operating? Not when he sees the culprits driving away with his beloved (and freshly kidnapped) daughter in tow.


3. Sully



This greasy weasel is the prototypical bad guy middle man. Willing to turn on anyone at a moment's notice, he gets his courtesy John Matrix. Fantastic.


4. Shopping



When I was a kid, this scene was awesome. Shopping sprees were one thing, but to raid a Surplus store for Commando-esque gear and then bust into the hidden back room full of automatic firearms and rocket launchers? Oooh man -- that was the ultimate!


5. Toolshed scene



Ok, so serveral of these Guerillas have Matrix cornered in a toolshed. They riddle it with bullets from all sides, and when one lone dude approaches to confirm Matrix's demise - he gets it with a pitchfork. Throwing the circular saw blade and cutting off the dude's head is just another example of how bad-ass John Matrix is!


6. The final battle



Why didnt Bennett just shoot him? Instead he let Matrix goad him into a hand to hand battle and ends up getting (albeit with style) in the end. One of Arnold's classic lines finishes up that scene.

So there you have it. My top 6 Reasons to love the movie "Commando". Dont you dare disagree with me on any of these points, or I'll sic John Matrix on your ass.

Damn. I love this commercial.

Amazing. Beatboxing flute player.

Special K exposed!

During a recent trip to my local supermarket, I perused the numerous and abundant variations on the age-old timeless meal that is breakfast. I speak, of course, about the legendary Cereal Aisle. This isle is a marvel of modern day marketing. The rows of brightly colored boxes, each emblazoned with their very own cartoonish mascot are placed at child's eye level and boast everything from a cool collectible toy inside to a chance at winning huge prizes. These mighty sellers are mildly offset by the ugly cousins of the cereal world - the healthy cereals, with their healthy images and diet driven names like Muslix, Just Right and All-Bran. Lesser still are the afterthoughts of the cereal aisle, the lower priced, plainly colored, non-brand name cereals with their blatant rip-off names such as Fruity Os, Flakes of Corn and Crispy Rice.

Since I was in need of some cereal, I decided to try something different this time. You see, I tend to stick to three cereals that I enjoy, and always have enjoyed. For me, it’s either, Shreddies, Raisin Bran or Crispix – no other. I don’t dig on the super sugary, snap-crack-and poppin stuff that keeps today’s ADHD kids wired through 2pm. But this time, I figured I would try something different – something I would never usually get. Something I had never had, if that was possible. Again, deciding to forego the Count Chocula’s and FrankenBerry’s of the world, I opted for arguably the healthiest of all breakfast cereals – Kellogg’s Special K.

Just as an aside here, how friggin rich must this Kellogg guy and his family be? I mean, I realize General Mills and Post are major players in the cereal business, and Quaker is in there somewhere too, but Kellogg’s has the big names in their corner. I mean, when you think cereal, you think Corn Flakes. You think Raisin Bran. You think Fruit Loops. You think Rice Krispies. All those are Kellogg’s products. Now some may argue for Cheerios (granted) and Shredded Wheat, but those two are from two different companies, so it is easily seen that Kellogg’s is the big dog in the cereal biz. According to a recent study (2005), one point of the breakfast cereal market share was worth 61 million in revenue. This same study had Kellogg’s owning 32% of the market, with Post (thanks in large part to Cheerios and its variants) coming in next with 23%. If my math is right, that would mean Kellogg’s hauled in roughly 1.95 billion in revenue – and that is in breakfast cereal alone! That is a whole lotta cake for a few crispy pieces of rice. Jeezus, those Kellogg Brothers must be rich – I think they’re dead – but they must be rich.

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Special K.

Okay, so I know that Special K has long been a cereal targeted at women, always boasting that it could help you lose or maintain a healthy weight when eaten in conjunction with a healthy diet and exercise – but then, what cereal wouldn’t? So seeing a cereal box on my table with a slim lady all decked out in her sporty looking yoga inspired gear made me feel a little on the emasculated side of things. No matter, cereal is cereal, and since I hadn’t tried Special K before, I figured why not give a different cereal a chance.

Or at least I had thought that Special K was a different cereal.

When I poured out these light, crispy bits if rice (take note of that) into my bowl, I didn’t think twice. Then I poured the milk on them.

Snap.

Crackle.

Pop.

A familiar sound I thought. No matter, dried cereals all have to make a sound with re-hydrated. I stirred them up with my spoon and took my first bite.

Hmm, I thought, these taste not too bad. Alarmingly familiar, which I thought was odd because I was positive that I had never had Special K before.

I took another spoonful. Something is all too familiar about this cereal. Another spoonful. What is that?

Then it dawned on me.

This fuckin cereal is Rice Krispies. I examined the cereal a little more closely. This fuckin cereal is nothing more than flattened out Rice Krispies. Holy shit. Am I the first person to ever realize this? I should hope not. But I was amazed that people still buy this cereal and that Kellogg’s still touts it as their healthiest of healthy cereals, when, in my obviously weighty opinion, this is nothing more than the exact same cereal they push to little kids with the three creepy Elves on the box – only they have sent them through a roller of some sort before drying them out.

I was so certain of this fact, that I visited Kellogg’s website to examine both cereal’s ingredients. Here is what I found:

Special K
Description:
A lightly toasted rice cereal. They are fat free and in combination with a balanced diet and exercise may assist in achieving and maintaining a healthy body weight.

Ingredients:
Rice, wheat gluten, sugar/glucose-fructose, defatted wheat germ, salt, malt (corn flour, malted barley), vitamins (thiamin hydrochloride, niacinamide, pyridoxine hydrochloride, folic acid, d-calcium pantothenate), iron, BHT added to package material to maintain product freshness.

Rice Krispies
Description:
Oven toasted cereal made with real grains of milled rice. Fat free and a source of 7 essential nutrients. Less than 1 teaspoon of sugar per serving.

Ingredients:
Rice, sugar/glucose-fructose, salt, malt flavouring, vitamins (thiamin hydrochloride, niacinamide, pyridoxine hydrochloride, folic acid, d-calcium pantothenate), iron, BHT added to package material to maintain product freshness.

It doesn’t take a gawddam scientist to deduce that this is essentially the same friggin cereal.

Perhaps the geniuses at Kellogg’s never intended for guys to eat Special K and girls to eat Rice Krispies, or maybe they just don’t care. Package it up different and sell it as something else. Kudos to them, I guess that’s why they haul in almost 2 billion per year and we don’t. We just walk down the cereal aisle, repeatedly tell our kids “no you can’t have that”, and pick out whatever they are selling.

I will continue to do that, but damn you Kellogg’s I won’t be fooled by your marketing prowess and your shell game business practices – I now know the truth. And I will tell anyone else who will listen the same thing.

What’s that you say? They now have a NEW Special K with Berries? Well now, that sounds different, I’ll have to try that.

I know... I know...

Yes, I am aware I have to update this friggin blog. I'll do it, I'm just being lazy.

I miss Lil' Penny

This is a classic commerical... really really funny...

Happy Birthday Paige!

Happy Birthday to my favorite girl in the whole wide world!

In honor of Paige's 2nd birthday, allow me to present reasons 5,234,214 through 5,234,217 of why I love being a Dad...